The Word "Fuck"

"FUCK"

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fuck".

It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck), an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John), o as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck). It can also be used as an adjective (Mar is fucking beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary.)

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).

Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to many situations:

1. Greetings           "How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud               "I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation         "Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble             "I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression          "FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust             "Fuck me."
7. Confusion           "What the fuck.......?"
8. Difficulty          "I don't understand this fucking business!"
9. Despair             "Fucked again..."
10. Pleasure           "I fucking couldn't be happier."
11. Displeasure        "What the fuck is going on here?"
12. Lost               "Where the fuck are we."
13. Disbelief          "UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!"
14. Retaliation        "Up your fucking ass!"
15. Denial             "I didn't fucking do it."
16. Perplexity         "I know fuck all about it."
17. Apathy             "Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?"
18. Greetings          "How the fuck are ya?"
19. Suspicion          "Who the fuck are you?"
20. Panic              "Let's get the fuck out of here."
21. Directions         "Fuck off."
22. Disbelief          "How the fuck did you do that?"


*Original at: http://grin.hu/funtxt/fido/en/fuck.html

Clarifying Bible passages...

Advice needed regarding some elements of God's Laws and how to follow them...


1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves,
both male and female, provided they are purchased from
neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this
applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?


2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you
think would be a fair price for her?


3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman
while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness -
Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have
tried asking, but most women take offense.


4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I
know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The
problem is, my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them.
Should I smite them?


5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the
Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be
put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him
myself, or should I ask the police to do it?


6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a
less er abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree.
Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?


7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar
of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that
I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or
is there some wiggle-room here?


8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
including the hair around their temples, even though Lev.
19 expressly forbids this: 27. How should they die?


9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a
dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if
I wear gloves?


10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by
planting two different crops in the same field,
as does his wife by wearing garments made of two
different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend).
He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot.
Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble
of getting the whole town together to stone them?
Lev.24:10-16.

Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private
family affair, like we do with people who sleep
with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14). I know you have
studied these things extensively and thus enjoy
considerable expertise in such matters, so I am
confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
eternal and unchanging.

When is @#$% acceptable??

There are only twelve times in history where the "F" word
has been considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:


12. How the @#$% do I know?

-- Cain, 5723 BC



11. "What the @#$% do you mean, we are sinking?"

-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912



10. "What the @#$% was that?"

-- Mayor of Hiroshima, 1945



9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"

-- Custer, 1877



8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."

-- Einstein, 1938



7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"

-- Picasso, 1926



6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"

-- Pythagoras, 126 BC



5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"

-- Michelangelo, 1566



4. "Where the @#$% are we?"

-- Amelia Earhart, 1937



3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!"

-- Noah, 4314 BC



2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"

-- Bill Clinton, 1998



1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."

-- Saddam Hussein , 2003

Straight Test:

Ok, so even I am guilty of at least 1 of these but it is written in the most hilarious fashion. I guarantee you'll start using at least on of the expressions used below...


Straight Test:


1. If you are over 38 and you have a washboard stomach, you're a queer. It means you haven't sucked down enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing situps, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet. Faggot!


2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer. It grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog -- "Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!" Now think about how you call a cat -- "Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!" Jeeezus, you're pitched; you're so queer!


3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured that you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag!


4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases… even in Times Square !!!


5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents! A straight man will never be heard ordering a decaf soy latte. If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.


6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is, you're gay! And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter!


7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it! You're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to beep at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, hold his beer, or scratch his nuts.

IF THIS OFFENDED YOU IN ANY WAY......I DON'T WANT TO KNOW IT!!

Share YOUR funniest texts!!

A few choice selections from www.textsfromlastnight.com ... complements of Ira Y. :

* * *
(202): therell be strippers and coke right?
(703): no strippers. just coke.
(202): i hate this fuckin recession

* * *

(571): non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

* * *

(619): i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.

* * *

(226): forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.

* * *

(732): you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
(1-732): did i?

* * *

(571): final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself

* * *

(908): bl l w
(201): this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

* * *

(908): no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request

Sipping Vodka (joke):

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, “ When I am worried about getting nervous
On the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.
If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.”
So next Sunday he took the monsignor’s advice.
At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don’t gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Farther, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don’t say he was stoned off his ass.

10)We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T.”

11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, “take this and eat it for it is my body.” He did not say “ Eat me” .

12)The Virgin Mary is not called “ Mary with the Cherry,.

13)The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter’s not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy’s.